Tara Sophia Mohr | wise living

I’ve learned over the years that when I feel a fluttering of fear when I consider writing about a topic, I should go there. So here I go.

I recently asked a bunch of you who subscribe here, “If you and I were meeting for tea, what would you want to talk about?”

One of you answered, simply, “the spiritual side of life.”

And that got me thinking. What does that phrase mean to me these days – “the spiritual side of life?”

My answer has changed over time.

There have been years of my life when the spiritual life was all about love – opening to that Great Love and doing my best to bring that (and not other stuff) into the world.

At other times, the spiritual life has been principally about surrender – about surrendering my life, my will, to a power greater than myself.

At other times it’s been about creativity, about the mysterious spiritual connection we can access when we create.

I don’t think that any of these are better notions than the others. They all represent different chapters in my own unfolding spiritual life.

These days? What comes mind, when I hear the phrase “the spiritual life” is this:

Noticing,

the vibrant, vibrating, messy, energy-dense life in front of us.

Noticing: slowing down to see the diverse, gorgeous manifestations of life in front of you: a child, an animal, a friendship, a forest, a community, an artistic creation.

Welcoming: greeting them, in your own mind and heart, with a positive receiving. With appreciation, with reverence, with respect.

Trusting: this one is the most difficult to express in words, but it has to do with, at a fundamental level, trusting the innate wisdom and sacredness of life.

This “trusting” part is tricky to explain, because I don’t mean that we go into denial about the darkness and dangers of the world and just trust everything is always for the good blah blah blah.

What I’m trying to express is a trust that is more like this:

Way of thinking #1 (which dominates our culture, education system, and which has driven traditional parenting practices) goes like this:

It looks at the raw materials and expressions of life (the body, emotion, nature, earth, people, children) and thinks: Uh-oh. There is a problem here. We need to fix this, control this, delete that part and add on this part. Out of fear and mistrust of what is, we start making stuff, making shoulds, making systems and rules, and as collateral damage, making judgment and self-hate.

The other way of thinking goes like this: It looks at the raw materials and expressions of life (the body, emotion, nature, earth, people, children) and sees them wholly as expressions of the divine. It perceives their radiance, their glory.

Then, from that place, we do stuff (create, build, achieve) not to compete with, exploit or control life, but to create a world worthy of the innocence and glory of all beings. We create out of love and out of a desire, a longing, to express ourselves and contribute to life. In touch with who we are, we find ourselves full of creative impulses –to build a beautiful new home for our family, or to make a beautiful meal, or to paint the view out the window, or to start an organization to solve a need in our community, or to build deep knowledge of a subject within ourselves. We create, create, create, but out of love for life, not out of fear of it.

Both states are very active, but the roots of the activity are very different.

Lately, this is how I’m thinking about spiritual life: that a part of living a spiritual life is living in that second state of being.

Does this resonate with you?

I’d love to hear in the comments.

Or, take a moment to consider that question, “What does ‘the spiritual life’ mean to me these days, and use the comment box as an opportunity to do some mini journaling on the question – to articulate your answer and carry it with you through the day.

Love,

Tara

p.s. One of my favorite e-courses, Teach Now (I loved it so much I took it twice!) is still open for registration for a couple more days. If you teach or would like to teach in your work, I highly recommend checking it out!

Today I’m over at Maria Shriver’s site, telling the story of one of my big aha moments. A big aha about teaching, about my silly ego, and about what actually helps other hearts. Check it out HERE.

Love,

Tara

Image Credit: Two Poodles Press on Etsy

Today I’m delighted to bring you a conversation with my friend and mentor, Jen Louden. Jen’s work has spanned many topics dear to my heart: women and comfort, retreating, creativity and writing. Recently, she’s been turning her attention to teaching – helping women like you and me own what we have to teach and to start teaching now. Below I asked her the questions about teaching I really wanted to hear her answers to. Warning: read slow and take notes- her answers are full of wisdom and practical ideas.

Tara

Tara: What do you believe are the top 5 qualities that make a great teacher?

Jen:
1.The willingness to say, “I don’t know,” and then to ask your students, “What do you think?”
2.The willingness to say, “I know this to be true. Please try it out for yourself and report back.” To stand in the brilliance of what you know without thinking that means you are the be-all and end-all or THE expert.
3.The willingness to continue to be a humble learner, to expose yourself to learning new things, and to be a fumbling hapless beginner.
4.The willingness to slow down, and to practice clear boundaries and loving self-care.
5.The willingness to examine your own bias in how you deliver your teaching. For example, I hate creating visuals to use when I teach online. The willingness to expand into creating slide decks – even basic ones – will help me reach visual learners much better because they will be able to engage with my material more effectively.

Tara: Are we all teachers?

Jen: How can we not be? To be human is to be learning constantly. It is built into our evolution, necessary for our survival, and certainly a huge requirement for managing the rapid-fire change we’re all navigating.

We teach when we share a story with a friend about how we learned to do a yoga pose. We teach when we share with a co-worker how to handle feedback. We teach when we show our beloved how we want the dishwasher loaded (which would be the right way.)

I highly recommend that anyone who wants to teach learn more about the art and practice of teaching, both to serve their people more effectively and to save wear and tear on their ego. You don’t have to suffer as much as I did!

Tara: What is the #1 block you see standing in the way of brilliant women starting to teach all that they have to teach?

Jen: Their own impossible-to-meet expectations. Women don’t teach because they believe what they want to offer isn’t “original enough,” or they can’t guarantee everyone will be happy with the outcome, or they try to include everything on their subject, or they just need one more certification before they are ready.

With expectations like these, it’s no wonder many of us never get out there!

The antidotes for impossible expectations are:
• Make a list of what would be “enough” for you to teach your material. For example, you deliver the promised materials, you end your classes on time, you offer a follow-up course, and you ask for feedback each week or module. What can you actually measure and know you did deliver? Focus on that.
• Focus on teaching ONE core message with your course. Throw everything else into the next course you teach, or into marketing materials. Focus helps high expectations and thinking you need to learn more.
• Teach your stories and your experiences. Use them to anchor “book learning.”
• Claim your lineage. Who have you learned from? Credit generously.

Tara: What was one of the biggest lessons you’ve learned about teaching? And tell us the story of how you learned it.

Jen: That I never know the impact my teaching might have.

I taught a workshop for about 800 people a few years ago on work/life balance – it was a corporate gig. Afterwards, I was certain that I bombed – utterly – that nothing I taught had landed, that it was an utter waste of everybody’s time, and that I just didn’t know how to reach a corporate audience at all.

About a year later, I got an email through my website from a woman who had been there. She told me she had been in utter despair that day, without hope. Her life had felt impossible, between helping her mom who had dementia, her teenage kid’s needs and moods, her work, her weight and her love of all things sugary. She said that the ideas I had shared – but more than my ideas, my honesty and my energy – had helped her turn a corner. She had since lost 34 pounds, stopped trying to be everything to everybody, and changed departments so she could work from home two days a week.

I sat there looking at my monitor, shaking my head.

We just never know what impact we have. Or how we will have it.

Tara: I have a dream to teach x. How do I know if I’m ready, qualified, to teach that subject?

Jen: You are never ready. Ready comes from teaching, from being in the transformational conversation itself, from being a humble teacher/student–so skip asking if you are ready to teach. It’s not a useful question.

Instead, notice:
• Are you called to teach a particular subject or thing?
• Does the idea of sharing what you know about this subject feel like you’ll be scratching a deep itch?
• Can you barely sit still thinking about what you will offer, talk about, share?

If yes, then ask yourself:
• What qualifications, if any, does your field require? For example, if you are teaching meditation in a lineage, do you need to pass a course first or have a teacher’s pat on the back?
• If there are no formal qualifications for what you teach that are agreed on by all members of your field, reflect on, “What does my heart need to feel qualified?” Check in with your deep knowing.

Finally, ask your community if what you want to teach resonates. Try different words to describe what you would teach. Let yourself be unpolished. Experiment. Watch for the light bulb moments in you and in your potential students – the “I want that,” and “That’s it!” That will help you hone in on how to describe what you will offer, and even what to put in your class.

I so hope my ideas help you teach now!

Love,
Jen

Jen Louden is the best-selling author of 6 books, including the pioneering best-sellers The Woman’s Comfort Book and The Woman’s Retreat Book, with a million copies in print worldwide. Her retreats are world-famous. She’s taught for 21 years and co-created the beloved course TeachNow. You can sign up for the April 4th for a free sampler and the fab library HERE.

Good morning!

Today is the last day to register for Playing Big! You can get all the details and learn more about the program HERE.

I lead this program because I believe that as women, this is our time for learning and unlearning. It’s our time to unlearn all those blocks that keep us playing small, and it’s our time to learn new skills, new ways of being that allow us to play big – so we can serve the world in the way we want to serve it, and so we can do our work with more confidence and impact.

One more thing: I’ve been getting one question a lot these past couple works, from women who work for companies and organizations. They are wondering, “Is Playing Big just for women entrepreneurs, or would it be helpful for me too?”

Great question! Playing Big has a big impact both on women entrepreneurs AND women who work inside organizations. Our group is usually about a 50-50 mix. If you work inside a company or organization and want to get a sense of how the program would support you, check out these stories from program grads like you.

And to review the program details and get your spot, CLICK HERE.

If you want to find your right path to playing bigger this year, I hope you’ll join me.

Love,

Tara

I rececently read about a remarkable study and knew I had to share it with you.

The topic?

Video games and agression.

The real topic underneath that?

What in the world we should do with our anger.

In the study, published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, a group of people were told to think about something that made them angry. Then experimenters assessed their aggression levels – how aggressive and angry their current mood was.

After getting a baseline measurement of participants’ aggression levels, one subset of the group was told to play a violent video game, with the intent of venting their anger as they played it. The other group was simply told to play the same game — no intention was mentioned to them.

Ready for the amazing part? After playing, those who had simply been told to play the game had higher levels of aggression than they did before playing the game – playing the violent video game had made them more aggressive. But the opposite happened in in the group that had been told to play the game and use it to vent their anger – their levels of aggression were lower post-game than they were pre-game.

Two big ideas here: One, that the intentions you and I bring to an activity change what is actually happening as we do that activity. And two, that venting anger isn’t just an idea – it’s a real thing that brings real results.

What if we could start venting our anger – in order to diminish it?

Why would we want to do that? Because when we deny our anger, we pay the costs in unhealthy behaviors that stuff down anger, or in passive aggressive or misplaced expressions of it. But if, on the other hand, we unleash our anger on others, we are mostly likely hurting them, diminishing connection and trust in our relationships, and acting in ways that just won’t bring about the outcomes we really want. Dr. Harriet Lerner, who wrote the classic book The Dance of Anger, talks about the magic middle ground of “speaking for our anger,” rather than “speaking from our anger.” To do that, we have to get out of the heat and pressure of the anger itself.

So what if we could feel and accept our anger, release it, and then take sane, grounded action about the things we were feeling angry about?

What I’ve learned about anger over the past year or so has honestly shocked me: that anger, at least as it runs through me, is a profoundly physical phenomenon. It’s an energy that sometimes gets evoked in me, and that can move out of me if expressed. What surprised me, especially as a coachy, therapy-loving, journaling type, is that expelling anger is a physical thing. Anger can be vented in the pounding steps of a run, dancing stomps and jumps to an intense beat, or letting out some angry yells – if I’m intentionally using those activities to express anger.

I’ve learned that venting anger is not the same as talking about or writing about anger. It’s actually letting that forceful, vehement, powerful physical energy out.

Another thing that shocked me was this: big, mega, intractable-feeling anger can be released really quickly – in just a few minutes – if you really give yourself over to letting it out.

On the other side of that venting, there is calm, spaciousness, relief, and a sudden awakening to new paths of action forward. Sometimes the venting is enough, but sometimes afterward, it’s time to deal with the thing I was angry about. Post venting, I can do that without lashing out at anyone, and without the distortion of reality and the strangling of compassion that anger often brings.

Today, I invite you to consider this idea of venting anger – not venting it by unleashing it onto others – but venting it in a physical release that could become part of your approach to processing your life. If that sound scary or unbecoming to you, know that it sounded that way to me too at first.

And I’d love to hear about your journey with anger in the comments. Do you have a practice of venting anger? Do you spill anger onto others more than you would like? How has your relationship with anger changed over the years?

Plus, important! The next session of my Playing Big program for women in starting up next week, and registration closes in just a few days. If you have the sense that you are playing small in your work or your life, and you are ready to change that, check out the details here.

Love,

Tara

Hey there,

I’ve been doing lots of interviews and guest posting around the web these past couple weeks, in conjunction with the new session of Playing Big being open for registration.

I thought you might enjoy some of these posts.

1. A “10 Questions” interview over at The Financial Times (yes, that financial pink paper, sorta Europe’s Wall Street Journal). I share what I would do if I were dean of a business school for a day, talk about my favorite business books, and give my honest (not at all business-y) answer to, “What would you do differently if you could do it all over again?”

2. What do I think are the top 5 blocks that keep women playing small? I share the pitfalls and delusions I see most getting in the way of women’s playing big here, in this interview by Kathy Caprino, at Forbes.com . Would love to hear what you’d list as the top blocks, too.

3. A Q&A over at Abby Kerr’s blog. I share the worst business advice I’ve ever gotten, what triggers me about social media, and how I knew when I’d come into my writing voice.

4. A Q&A with Jac McNeil. I share the three most important decisions I’ve made in my business and even take a stab at writing my own “six word business memoir.”

Hope you find some good inspiration, aha moments or tips in these!

Lots of love,

Tara

p.s – It’s on! Playing Big, my six month in depth program for women who want to play bigger is now open for registration. Click here to get all the details!

And, have questions or want to learn more live on the phone? I’m hosting an Info and Q&A call about the program in a few hours…Friday, March 22nd at 11:30 am PST.Even if you can’t attend live, if you sign up this morning, you’ll get the recording. Click here to sign up to attend live or to get the recording.

Last week, I had the pleasure of going on The Today Show. This was my third time as a guest on the show. – hey, I’m almost becoming a regular!

Like everything in life, it gets more comfortable the more I do it.

Here’s the clip (Note, the video is a little funky. If it’s not loading for you, press refresh a couple times…):

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

For me, this is one of my Playing Bigger edges – showing up for media opportunities like this, despite the nerves, despite the inner critic rants, despite the outfit-choosing ups and downs.

What do I do when I get nervous?

1. I try to get out of my head. I remember that it’s always perfectly fun when I’m in it – it’s just the ruminating leading up to it that is a problem.

2. I focus on service. Instead of worrying about “how I’ll do” (which is what my ego cares about) I think about who I might reach or inspire (which is what my heart gets excited about.)

3. I use the tools for quieting the inner critic that I teach.

Those things help me move past the mental fretting to the joy – the joy of taking the trip to NYC with a dear friend for the experience, of feeling good in my blue dress, the joy that comes with speaking on camera – something I’ve always loved. And on this trip, there was also the “bonus joy” of sitting in the hotel drawing room while Meryl Streep chatted with a friend two tables over! I’m not kidding!

So, whatever is on your Playing Big edge – whether it’s a career change or the launch of an entrepreneurial venture or that upcoming performance/art show or speaking up more – at home or at work – I want to help you get there. Check out the offering I’ve created just for you.

Playing Big, my six month program for women who want to play bigger in their lives and work, is now open for registration. Click here to learn what we cover and hear from program grads. 

I’m hosting a free Playing Big Information and Q&A call this Friday. Click here to sign up to attend live or get the recording. This is a great way to get your questions answered and learn more about the program.

Love,

Tara

Yesterday I was on TV.

I know, old school, huh?

You can click on the image below to watch the clip. Pardon the ad.

I feel grateful that the lovely Emily Kate Warren gave me hair & makeup stylin’ that I felt like “me” in, and I’m also grateful that the interview went well.

Since many of you are thinking about how you might share your voice in the media, now or in the future, I want to share a few behind the scenes stories & lessons learned yesterday.

Lesson #1: In the end, you no matter how much it seems true that you have nothing to wear, you always really do have something to wear. And it won’t be the new thing you bought in a last minute panic yesterday. It will be the old thing you are comfy in.

Lesson #2: You have no idea how the interview is going. So don’t assess. Just keep going.

Lesson #3: What is true everywhere else in life is true in the tv studio: you need to speak up for yourself. When I got to the show, I saw that there was something in the segment outline – a certain way of framing my work -that I felt uncomfortable with. I spoke up and asked the producers to change it – and they did. For time #10,001, I was reminded that asking for what you want is essential, and that it is really okay to do.

Lesson #4: Get out of your ‘hood every once and a while. Mainstream media feels somewhat, well, uncomfortable to me. The artist/thinker/poet/ in me positively freaks at the idea of a fast-paced, three minute segment that comes between the weather and the report of a car crash. And yet I have a deep sense that it is important to keep showing up for mainstream media conversations, and I want brilliant women like all of you to show up for them too. I want to see you on there as talking heads, sharing your wisdom and your revolutionary ideas.

Okay, that’s it. The clip and my lessons learned. Thanks for reading.

Oh wait – one more thing! LAST CALL to get on the early bird list for discounts for my Playing Big program. If you are interested in the program and want more details or access to special discounts, jump on the list now. Early bird registration opens next week! Yup! Next week!

Love ya,

Tara

Over the past few years, I’ve done a lot of thinking about this topic of women playing big.

Lately, it feels to me like much of the matter comes down to this: are we letting the light out?

Are we letting out the light that is within us?
Are we allowing it to stream forth?
Are we clearing the obstacles that have accumulated around us, so that the light can reach far?

Your gifts are magnificent, and they are yours and yours alone, but they don’t have feet.

What I mean by that is this: your gifts – whether your gifts for painting or communicating or loving little ones – are almost otherworldly. They can’t do of-this-world things like blocking and tackling and navigating and figuring out how to get expressed in the world. Your gifts will never try to fight their way into the marketplace. They won’t plot strategy for how they’ll be expressed. It’s simply not their nature.

And yet, the soul hungers to see its gifts expressed, unfurled. And so the soul makes an invitation to another part of you – the part that thinks, and strategizes, and reads context, and maneuvers. The worldly part. The part that understands dynamics of power. The can-do part, the handyman part.

The soul invites that part to become a partner in getting your light, your gifts, out into the world. Say yes and then it is your job to bring the muscle, the thought, the know-how to help your gifts find their way.

You are the parent, your gift is the child. You are the agent, your gift is the talent. You are the advocate; your gift is a client who very much needs your help.

The gift is delicate, and you are hearty. The gift is the beam, and you help it find contexts to shine.

You bring your mind, your muscle, and your comfort with power to this task. Yes, there is no letting your light out into the world unless you are cool with power. Because your gifts are where your greatest power lies.

For women, this inner partnership – between our otherworldly gifts and our worldly, savvy selves – is particularly animating, because we have for so long been asked to deny that muscling, maneuvering, stewarding part of us. When we reclaim that part – not un-tethered but as the steward of our gifts and our service, we come into wholeness.

We stand with both feet planted. The light and its steward, the gold and her guard. Both are present: the gifts that hail from another realm and the part of us that knows there is urgent work to do, here, in this one.

How will you say yes to that partnership between your gifts and the part of you that can help them get expressed in the world? What stands in your way of getting the light out? How are you getting the light out now? Tell us in the comments.

Love,

Tara

Want to start walking that journey of bringing your gifts out into the world more fully? We make all this practical in my Playing Big program, which opens up for registration soon. Click here to get details + access to early bird discounts.

As a result of Playing Big, I am telling my story fully and seeing this show up in unexpected and powerful ways, personally, professionally, and in my writing. My voice is becoming bolder because I am not hiding part of my story. – Past Playing Big Participant

As a result of Playing Big, I created and am teaching a course that is built around sharing what I know/the wisdom I’ve acquired. Before Playing Big, I don’t think I would have had the confidence to think that what I already know, what I bring just by entering the space, would be enough. Now I see how much value I bring. – Past Playing Big Participant

Up until I was about 30, I didn’t know I had “an inner critic.” Yes, I had heard the term here and there. Yes, I was mildly aware that sometimes cruel words about myself chattered away in my head, but that was it. Meanwhile my inner critic was keeping me from writing, from dancing, from risking, from creating the career I really wanted.

I wasn’t alone. Most women and girls are profoundly held back by their inner critics – but they often don’t know it and they certainly haven’t been given the tools to do anything about it. I’ve become passionate about every woman and girl on the planet getting an Inner Critic 101 Training – the basic knowledge about what the critic is and what we can do to quiet its voice.

Today I want to focus on one particular aspect of quieting the critic that we talk about in my Playing Big program: waking up to the difference between the inner critic and good old realistic thinking. Take a look at the chart below:

Get the idea?

The inner critic is into making definite pronouncements and predictions: “You look horrible.” “You could never pull off starting a business like that.” “Your painting is not as good as all the others in the class.”

The realistic thinker in us – when untarnished by the influence of the critic – asks curious questions: “Hmmm, could I do it? Do I have skill x and y that it takes, or do I need to build those skills?” “What is remarkable about this painting? What is lacking?”

The realistic thinker is forward moving. She seeks solutions. Bring the realistic thinker to bear when thinking about a career change, for example, and she’ll critically assess risks and potential costs, but with a focus on minimizing them and resolving them. The critic will spin and spin, ruminating on the risks and costs. In other words, the realistic thinker generates a true “line of thinking” – a line that lands in a different, more thought-out place than where it started. Something was created – a plan, a more nuanced understanding, a set of more specific questions to explore – through the thinking.

And then there’s the tone. The critic speaks in an anxious, emotionally charged tone. The realistic thinker doesn’t sound stern, like you might have been taught she did. The true realistic thinker in all of us just sounds grounded. Clear-eyed. Calm.

Just take that in for a minute, because I know that is very different than what you’ve likely been taught. It makes me cry a little to sit with that, because inside me there is a tender little girl who was told that “realistic thinking” was something very different, and ever since she thought she had to succumb to talking to herself in that way.

Realistic thinking is actually light, inquisitive, exploratory, and highly creative.

What does all this mean for you, today?

You can stop confusing realism with negativity, realistic thinking with the inner critic.

You can reclaim that inquisitive, calm, solution-seeking realistic thinker in you.

Even if you aren’t sure you’ve got her in there, she’ll start showing up, now that you have put your attention on her. Just look for her, a little inside, and invite her to the table. Ask her to come to the fore.

Love,

Tara

Want more support quieting your inner critic? I go deeper on this topic in Playing Big, my program for women who want to play bigger in going for their dreams for their lives and careers. Get details and sign up for access to early bird discounts HERE.

“There is a wonderful passage by Jonathan Safran Foer where he discusses an email he received from a friend in response to his sharing the joys around the birth of his child with the friend. The friend wrote “Everything is possible again.” This is *exactly* how I feel after having taken the Playing Big course.” – Playing Big Participant

“As a result of playing Big, I published a book, got a new website up, moved beyond some old energies of inner critics, and stopped caring so much what others might think of what I’m doing.” – Playing Big Participant