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The numbers I ignore

By February 14, 2014 24 Comments
Watercolor numbers by Guiseppe Salerno

Watercolor numbers by Guiseppe Salerno

 

There are a lot of numbers involved in pregnancy. Blood pressure numbers. Weight numbers. Belly size numbers. Blood test and urine test numbers. Due date and weeks pregnant numbers. We check if the baby is moving by kick counts. We assess the progression of labor by numbers for dilation, effacement and station. Now there are even apps that allow women to track lots of the numbers of pregnancy for themselves. My pregnancy has been filled with a lot more numbers than my  mother’s was, or than her mother’s was.

Pregnancy has pushed me to think about my relationship to numbers. On the one hand, I am grateful I live in a time and place where I had access to the instruments and the professionals who could measure important numbers that helped us know how things were going with the baby and with me. But every week, there was on the one hand the crisp world of the pregnancy numbers and then there was the experience of pregnancy- one of fluidity, mystery, and things there are no numerical ways to measure.

Moving between both was at times challenging.

There was the book that said do a certain number of the “prep for labor” squats and the yoga teacher that said do the squats till you feel done and want to stop doing them. There was the idea that the dilation number is very important to measure and the idea that since the progression of dilation is so nonlinear, the dilation number really doesn’t tell you much of import, except in a few circumstances. There is a due date number even though most babies are born sometime in a five week range, a weight gain range number even though what women naturally gain varies widely, and so on.

Then there is the other problem with numbers – our minds grasp onto them,and  find security or dissatisfaction in them. During my pregnancy there  were times when I said to the doctor, “tell me if there is a problem or something you think I need to know about, but otherwise, don’t tell me the number.” I didn’t want my mind to have the opportunity to make up an unhelpful story about it, as our minds so easily do once they’ve got a specific figure to grasp onto.

And yet, there is also something wonderfully crisp and sobering and helpful about numbers. It was comforting when I could be told this or that number related to the pregnancy was right on track. There are things it is good and important to measure. This is nuanced territory. There are ways the numbers with which we measure our lives can be helpful and there are ways in which they can be very unhelpful.

I love checking the numbers in my business, because they do tell a real story that I want to know about – a story of how many people were moved enough by a blog post to comment on it, a story of how many people resonated enough with what I said to sign up for something I’m offering, a story of how the business did financially.

This tells me something about the effectiveness and potency of the work I’m doing, and I care about that very much.

But it doesn’t tell me everything.There are the things the numbers can’t tell – that a blog post affected only a few people but in a very profound way, or that something that didn’t generate much revenue brought real emotional or spiritual sustenance to me or to those reached by it.

What are the numbers that loom large in your life: Weight? Age? Salary? Years or months that have passed since a particular event happened?

What numbers really do tell a story you want and need to know? What seem to tell a story but are really misleading?

Which just give your old fears or insecurities ammunition?

What numbers get you caught up in a mental game you really don’t need to be playing?

What other way of measuring could take their place?

And tell me in the comments: is there a number related to your life that you track and love tracking? And is there a number related to your life you choose to ignore or not know about?

Love,

Tara

p.s. Please don’t forget – for aspiring or current entrepreneurs, this year I’m helping to spread the word about Marie Forleo’s fabulous course for entrepreneurs. Get to know Marie through the latest video in her free training series HERE.

Join the discussion 24 Comments

  • Tara, I love this post as you explore your relationship to these black and white markers of success. And whether of not they truly do indicate success. I’m reminded of the quote by Albert Einstein, “Everything that can be counted does not necessarily count; everything that counts cannot necessarily be counted.”

  • Sarah says:

    Hi! I love waking up every Saturday and tracking my week to week pregnancy calendar – 28 weeks tomorrow and I canNOT wait to read how big the baby has gotten, how she is developing etc…
    I have not been tracking my weight on my own- I despise when the nurse tells me my weight because I immediatly perform two calculations 1. what I am now minus what I was before pregnancy and 2. how much I have gained since my last weigh in

  • I love this post, Tara. So insightful. Just like with everything else, it’s so important to take the numbers we get and consciously decide what we want to do with them. Once we have the number, we must stop ourselves before we process it and decide which “drawer” of our mind and heart we want to put it in.

    I actually don’t care much for weighing myself. My experience with emotional eating has taught me that there is so much more to life than the number on the scale or around your waist. I like to keep myself to a certain broad range, and just go by feel. If I feel healthy and good, then I don’t worry about being a couple pounds off from the artificial “perfect” number I have in my head. This has really freed up my energy to care about the things that do matter, such as loving and enjoying myself and those around me without constantly worrying about what they think of my body.

    As a mindset coach, the number I do care about is how many driven, smart, creative and intuitive entrepreneurs I have helped step into authenticity, find their focus, and gain the confidence to really put themselves out there in a way that blends with the entire rest of their life and honors their gifts. But there are levels of depth in that number, too, so it can’t be too important of a guideline.

  • My favorite numbers are my age and my birthday. It makes me smile to appreciate my fortunate time on this earth and keep in touch with all I have experienced, loved, and learned. All my life I looked forward to being old – sounds weird, I know – but since I was a little girl, I looked forward to it. Not just grown up, but old. Makes life so much easier to not worry about it!

  • Lovely post.
    My daughter is 5 and the school want to weigh and measure her.
    I stopped weighing myself years ago. Measuring has for me been all about judging.
    Yes, I love the clarity accounting brings but it’s so true that there is much more to it than that. What one person felt can be more important than a hundred hits.
    The pregnancy thing – obsession with numbers I also rejected – preferring to tune into feelings. And with my new babies – to make my own assessment based on instinct.
    Balance in all things is best I guess but I regard measuring by numbers with caution.

  • Meri says:

    Working in the international development field, it has become all about the numbers: “How much of a difference ARE you making? Can you measure it?” I do appreciate that people want numbers to assure themselves that change is happening, that funds are well spent. So I want to give them some numbers. But I am also profoundly aware “there are the things the numbers can’t tell – … something that didn’t generate much revenue brought real emotional or spiritual sustenance to me or to those reached by it.” Sometimes change can be measured by numbers, and sometimes it really can’t. 😉 I want to be paying attention to both kinds of change.

  • Definitely tracking the number of years I’ve been with my amazing partner (8 in April) ; without him I wouldn’t be so blessed!

    I trust that your pregnancy is going well Tara and that you’re enjoying every moment of it 🙂

    XO

  • Donna says:

    Hello Tara:

    First of all:
    Mathematics is an exquisite achievement–or perhaps gift to–the human mind. One day a lovely old professor of psychology and communications told our class that the abstraction of “0–zero” is a “logical operator,” and this is a grammatical, linguistic term. He explained that math is a language, and has grown from the human brain’s wonderful capabilities of language. What a revelation! I had heard many people describe math as if it were a cold, alien, life-denying imposition and judgment upon the human soul. Now I saw the mystery and beauty–that from the structure our minds could come a language somehow capable of describing the natural world beyond us with such accuracy and generalizability that we could share a common knowledge to predict many of nature’s workings and enter into the process of its design.

    Of course, we know all too well the dark side of this story. But the darkness of our shadow points to the beauty of the gift.

    that is the macrocosm. Now my experience with the double-edged sword, where it has cut me deepest.

    My life is in some ways a story of fear and mistrust, suspicion and anxiety and doubt. As a child I sensed I was not told the whole truth, including the truth about myself; I could never trust anyone’s profession of love, anyone’s assurance of my value, anyone’s support and protection.

    Chasing validation everywhere for years upon years, I arrive at a place where only verifiable numbers can be a reliable measure of my worth–numbers that do not lie, humour, manipulate,or change their minds.

    Do people taunt me, saying I am an old pig, getting fat? And that I don’t even realize it? Mirrors lie, I cannot see behind me. But:

    I can count the calories I consume and expend,
    the numbers on the scale,
    on the tape measure;
    estimate the thickness of a fold of skin, calculate a BMI.

    Am I competent, self-sufficient?

    To the extent that my bank account and revenue numbers, over time, declare that I have earned my way in cash. Am I valuable? If others have spent money on my services and products. Have I leaned
    unduly on others? Well, what is the yearly tally of gifts from parents, and friends?

    Do I deserve to be here?

    Numbers are the sole proof. They are accountable, balances of the scales of karma and justice. Can this “bird on the wire” say, ultimately, that all has been completely paid for? That I am not strapped to someone’s wheel of guilt, shame, and blame, for all I promised and did not deliver?

    Will I be safe? Will I have what I need?

    If the numbers can buy my way.

    Nothing else can ultimately be trusted. Freedom’s just another word for nothing left to lose? Nothing ain’t worth nothing, but it’s free. Zero, the logical operator.

    That’s the night side. The daylight side is turned away in me now, but I’ll be writing back with the affirmative later, Tara. Your questions arrive great relevancy today.

    Love, Donna

  • Marie says:

    Birthdays. How OLD one is. Those are numbers I no longer celebrate nor keep track of. I celebrate Laps-Around-the-Sun. For me, this is a more important number to remember because it symbolizes how ‘well-travelled’ I am. And I’ve had 56 Laps so far. Goethe said “‘The real voyage of discovery lies not in seeking new landscapes but in seeing with new eyes.’ My travels around the sun are made with new, young eyes. I am not Old.

  • Linda says:

    my ‘number’ is 11, which when added together breaks down into ‘2’ and there is significance to both. Eleven is a ‘master number’ and I see it everywhere in my life, including the numbers that add up to ’11’ – you’ve likely seen reference to people seeing the number 11:11 on their clocks and they say that it’s a portal to opening up your universe (succinctly). My birth date, SIN # and drivers licence, for example show these numbers repeated, 1, 2, 11, 4 & &. I don’t know why it’s important yet, but they ‘feel’ like their mine and significant to my life.

  • Lynn Brooks says:

    The number I’m obsessing about right now is: 12!!!
    I was recently diagnosed w/Hodgkins Lymphoma. I require 12 chemo treatments over 6 months.
    I just had my 3rd treatment this week. 25% done!!!
    Three down – nine to go!
    My last chemo will be June 10, 2014 !
    Yes, numbers are a BIG part of our lives!
    On the UPSIDE:
    1. My wonderful granddaughter will be 5 yrs old on March 30th.
    2. My spectacular daughter will graduate w/a BS WITH HONORS from college on May 23rd!
    3. I’m looking forward to the International Jazzercise Convention in Washington, DC on June 23 rd!
    4. We are planning a trip to Disney World (granddaughter’s FIRST VISIT!) in October!
    All GOOD, fun & exciting numbers!!

  • Lisa says:

    Tara,
    Thank you so much for sharing your perspective. I’m an OB/Gyn doc and your post gives me new ideas about working with my patients. I’ll be sharing this with my colleagues!

  • veronica says:

    I love this post! Numbers hold so much energy, don’t they? I’ve always felt a connection to any number in triplicate…555 mostly, and see it often and in many places. This holds sacred, spiritual meaning for me. Thank you, Tara!

  • melinda says:

    your questions: Which just give your old fears or insecurities ammunition?
    What numbers get you caught up in a mental game you really don’t need to be playing?
    What other way of measuring could take their place?

    Wonderful food for thought. I have thought about the numerous ways that I let numbers incorrectly label or define me or bully me for that matter. It seems that some number I want to be at is always outside of my reach. For me, it’s time to try another way of measuring, at least for the numbers that generate negative feelings. My thought is this: find 10 things you like, all in the same category. I’m going to use flowers. Now I can think of the number 1 as a dahlia and 2 as a rose and 3 as a sunflower. Instead of “I only have 2 apples instead of 3 apples in my bank account so I feel less worthy” or whatever I can have roses, not a sickly sunflower with a third of its petals gone. I give equal value to all numbers because I love all the flowers, each unique and beautiful and worthy of its own reverence, like it’s going to be my sunflower-daisy birthday rather than the eerie thought of turning 36. Using this way of measurement, your blood pressure could be a brilliant, colorful, fragrant bouquet of dahlia-lilac-daisy/orchid-chrysanthemum. And then you can make your hubby go out and buy you those flowers, Tara! 🙂

    Good luck with your pregnancy and thanks for this post. It was very thought provoking. I think I would relax a bit in a number-free world, but since that can’t happen I can take the stigma out of the numbers that bother me and see them as beautiful and unique and be grateful for them. Thanks, Tara!

  • maggie says:

    Dear Tara, there are a lot of good numbers in that cluster group in the picture, for example the zero because I think it’ a good description describing science factors…being a free science student, that’s science study for free…my favorite number is because it repeats itself infinity is the number one..a great number usually associated with positivity and energy as well..energy requires lots of numbers by the way to numerous to count as we all know. But the number 6 and 9 are magical in life’s equations when it relates to positive change…or for example the numbers 3 and 5 relate to spiritual change. Numeral counting can be so fun because its challenging and it usually reveals good things.

  • maggie says:

    I forgot to mention I like the number 5 it’s a number usually associated in the middle, nice and comfortable. Not to much not to little and a lot of children usually of preschool age taught me of their preferred likes of specialness of the number 5. So I decided they were right, it is so my favorite…too.

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