Lately I’ve been simmering a lot on what I’ve come to think of as “the narrow places”.
I don’t mean the hallway that’s a little too slim or an impossible parallel parking spot downtown.
I mean the immaterial narrow places – the felt experience of being in a confined, pressured, constricting internal state.
There are many kinds of narrow places.
Living with mean, judging, self-critical thoughts in your head is a narrow place.
Avoiding what’s true is a narrow place.
Being certain that you have to trade off something that is dear to you to get something else that is dear to you is a narrow place.
Living with the shoulds or have-to thoughts holding authority over you is a narrow place.
Carrying around fiery resentment at someone is a narrow place.
There are many narrow places, but in my view, they exist in a kind of loose constellation with each other. They have a lot in common.
I’ve seen again and again that we can move out of the narrow places and back into what we might call the expanse – the inner space where we feel a sense of possibility, where possibilities abound and ideas and visions and whispers for ways forward come into our minds and hearts.
Working with people, watching them leave the internal narrow places, I’ve come to believe something a bit radical: if we’re in a narrow place, that’s not the full story. The situation at hand is not merely some cynical verdict about how things are, about the harsh reality of life. There is a different way to see it, listen to it, relate to it.
All of this has nothing to do with avoiding the harder realities of life. Sadness is not, in my experience, a narrow place. Grief is not at all a narrow place – it is vast and wide, and often it is the way out of the narrow place. This is not about turning sad to happy. It’s about moving from the internal narrow places to the expansive ones.
Often a change in perspective, narrative or beliefs ushers us quickly out of the narrow place. That’s one of my favorite moments in working with others – when a narrow place that seems so intractably confined suddenly reveals itself to have a big open doorway, or even a bright yellow waterslide that we can jump on and go down with glee. We leave the narrow place behind simply because we saw the situation in a new way… or we saw our role in a new way… or we shifted from a fearful part of us to a calm one or a loving one.
Sometimes we leave the narrow place by giving ourselves permission to do something that we haven’t given ourselves permission around before.
Sometimes we leave the narrow place simply by expressing fully how we feel, unburdening our heart to a loving ear.
Sometimes we leave the narrow place by making a new choice, taking a new action, saying a new no or a new yes.
Today I want to share some beginning steps for moving out of the narrow places.
We can each begin with noticing, “I’m in a narrow place around this.”
It’s a significant reframing. Instead of “she’s just so impossible” it’s “wow, I’m really in a narrow place in how I’m relating to her.” Instead of “my to-do list is unbelievably long and I have to get it all done by three or I will prove myself a slacker once again,” it’s “okay, I’m really in a narrow place with how I’m relating to the work on my plate.” Instead of “this family member won’t listen to me and do what’s right and safe for them and it’s driving me crazy,” it’s “I’m really in a narrow place in how I’m relating to this person I can’t control.”
We can notice when we’ve landed in a narrow place.
Second, we can take being in a narrow place as a call for us to do some inner or outer work to help move ourselves to an expansive, generative state. Being in a narrow place signals to us that there’s a need for a shift.
How might we shift out of the narrow places?
You can always place your hand on your heart and have compassion that you’re in a narrow place. That’s a powerful start.
Then, perhaps a lowering of expectations to something more realistic of what we can really get done today,
perhaps a humbling reminder that we’re all very fallible beings doing our best,
perhaps a remembering that there is no win to seek, except the win-win,
perhaps some time to heal a hurt, or dissolve a resentment, or find a creative solution instead of settling for something that doesn’t feel right,
perhaps a pause to help everyone slow down and feel a little safer and more connected before you all dive back in to tackle the problem in front of you.
Perhaps a new question. What are my points of agency here? Given that I can’t control others, what is a wise and serenity-creating response? What are the gifts or lessons in this? How is this the perfect life curriculum for me at this time? Sometimes, a powerful question is the door or window or skylight in the narrow place.
So, notice when you’ve landed in a narrow place. Let that be the signal there’s a need for a shift. And then use the tools and questions and practices that help you find the expanse again.
Thank you for reading. If this post evokes a story or thought or sentiment you want to share, please email me here. Whether or not I can respond, I will read all of your notes.
Love to you today,
Tara
Photo credit: Valilung
