There are a thousand things I am learning from motherhood, but most of them, I am nowhere close to having words for yet. It’s all too new, and coming at me too fast.
But there was a lesson this week I think I may be able to wrap some words around. It was a day when my whole day was with the baby. No calls for work, no childcare helpers coming over, and papa-bear was busy with some other stuff. It was a gorgeously long stretch of the little one and me.
A million times that day, things didn’t go according to my (even very loose) plan. Feedings and sleeping didn’t happen when I thought they would. Crying, explosive-outfit-ruining pooping (you get the whole truth here, people) and fussiness happened when I didn’t expect it.
About midday, I had the blessed thought: “the point of this day is just to have a nice, peaceful day. That’s it.”
Oh my gosh. When was the last time I’d really been able to say that to myself? Not for a very long time. Because in the past, even my fun days, my relaxation days, had some sort of agenda attached to them. A vision of how I wanted it to go, or a thing that was supposed to happen: we were going to go here and do that, to cook this meal or check out that new cafe.
But on this particular day with the bebe, it became clear to me that if I did no more than one or two yoga poses in mom & baby yoga because yoga time turned out to be baby “lunch” #3 time, and if we didn’t make it to the park I’d imagined us going to, and if bedtime happened way too late because evening nap ran way too late…none of it mattered. At all.
The point of the day was to make each moment as connective and smooth and easy as possible, and that required some serious going with the flow. It was truly a day about being, and that was a little disorienting for me, because I rarely, rarely live days like that.
Days with no outcome other than than quality of the moments they were made up of. Letting go of expectation and sense of accomplishment, or at least really changing what accomplishment means.
It felt really good to release myself from so many plans and visions and shoulds, and do the day in the simplest way. And I realized that any day for any of us can be spent this way. A baby just gives you a kind of boot camp in detaching from outcome: you learn quickly that that if you are attached to a rigid plan, there’s going to be a lot more struggle and frustration in your day. But we can all learn that lesson at any point.
So I invite you to spend some time that is not about achieving any outcome. Spend a day focused on making each moment as smooth and sweet as possible by letting yourself yield to what is actually happening, internally and externally. Create a day that has no agenda, only moment-to-moment flow. Click to tweet.
Have you had a day like this in recent memory? Tell me about it in the comments.
and..since many of you have been asking – baby update below!
Love,
Tara
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A baby update: Thanks to all of you who have been writing to ask me how things are with the baby! The answer is: they are so sweet. We have a thriving four month old boy now. He’s giggling, grabbing, and delights in putting anything and everything in his mouth. He loves being out and about walking around town. He’s a voracious eater and he’s been growing very fast. I’ve decided not to share pics on social media for now, but trust me, he is very, very, very cute. I’m actually getting a decent amount of sleep, and generally trying to learn how to take care of him and of me, and experimenting with how I want the balance of my time and schedule to work. Overall, yes, my heart has been fully captured. xox Tara
What a wonderful insight and reminder for us all. Thank you, Tara—and happiness on you and that “very, very, very cute” little one!
My “babies” are 20 and 21 now, but your story brings back so many memories. I think I did learn to give up/adapt so many expectations through the experience of parenthood. I did laugh a little at your focus for your day: “the point of this day is just to have a nice, peaceful day. That’s it.” Many of my days with my babies were NOT “nice and peaceful,” but they were filled with the wonder of connection. Just truly being with another human being, focussing on their needs and not much else. Sometimes that was not peaceful–if they were crying and/or sick –but it was always connection. Understanding how important that is, is a gift that parents can give the world.
Best advice I ever got was to know how important it is to let go of our attachments to what the baby needs/wants because as they grow their needs and wants change. We think we know what’s best but in doing so the master plan of what the child divinely needs is often misunderstood. Especially the early years. There is so much going on and it changes so fast that practicing letting go or not be attached to outcome can be one of our biggest challenges. Each child has their own personality too. So the more kids one has the more seasoned we become.
My first year with my first son was one of the hardest years of my life. He was colicky for 9 months and I was so sleep deprived and post partum depression that I’m amazed I managed to have another baby. My strengths are where they are now because I know how deep I can pull courage from. My understanding for women and what we endure is really clear.
I wish the best for you. May you enjoy all of it.
Shakti
Yes, indeed! Making every moment count. I recall lamenting when I had spend several sleepless nights holding my tiny, fussy baby who choose to be awake at 2:00 am several days in a row. A precious and wise friend reminded me I wasn’t alone. That all over the world at that very moment there were thousands of mommies and daddies out there sharing these sacred (and at times frustrating) moments. She suggested praying for all these people and their babies at those moments when we feel so alone and to cherish these moments for they pass so quickly and the. We no longer are as present with our children. Your post reminded me to be present in the moment again!
Oh, I just have to chime in here! I call a day like this “play.” My big aha around motherhood happened when I realized that my son was the gift meant to teach me how to play. Asher is now almost an adult, and he has learned how to be productive and serious from his mom and dad. This post reminds me to let go and play during these last months that he is still in the nest. Thank you!
Loved hearing about your adorable baby – enjoy that time, Tara. My baby days went so quickly because I was so young. Now I have 13 grandchildren…but not all available…pardon the cliché, but ‘time flies’ you are right to grab those moments…
Wishing you the best…
Blog subscriber,
Sylvia x!
what a beautiful insight –
Thankyou for sharing – it was the first thing i read this morning and the warmth and love will follow into my day x
This resonated deeply for me, but in a different way. I am currently recovering from a serious concussion incurred in a bike accident, 4 weeks ago. Recovery is steady but slow, and I find myself stripped of so much that defines me: my energy, my ability to ‘get things done’, my competence with day to day tasks – both simple and complex. Unable to work much, I must sit in the discomfort of stillness, and re-define my identity as I return, gradually, to the person I was. I am forced to slow way down, to live in the moment, truly, and to shift my focus from “outcomes”, to creating conditions for a “good” day, one without headaches or huge mood swings. I strive to lower my expectations, to savour moments of pleasure and progress, and tackle tasks in small, bite-sized pieces. It has often reminded me of the early days of my babies’ lives; life reduced to its simplest essence, small tasks, moments of joy. Luckily, I now have these little boys to help me savour simple pleasures. Cuddling with my 6 year old in bed this morning, I allowed his soft sweetness to fill me with joy. And I savoured it. Thank you Tara, for your insight and for helping me to articulate this.
I try to schedule once a month a do nothing day. It’s a day filled with no agenda and just whatever I feel like doing that day. There are months that I miss it but I have tried to be consistent and those days really do help me be a better me the rest of the time. Thrilled to hear that things are coming along swimmingly for you and the little. Blessings to your little family.
Absolutely, Tara!
This is the pure sweet gentleness of the early days of being mama.
Sooo happy for you Tara…that you’re experiencing these moments with your lil’ love + that you are consciously aware of the sacred beauty of these days in your life.
Such power in being present + aware. Such pure love to share with your lil’ babe.
I still enjoy these in the flow days often as I home educate my two daughters, but those early baby days sure were precious.
If you’d like a sweet reminder of how magical those days are, I invite you to check out my recent essay in honor of my baby turning four years old last week…it is definitely tear worthy + might remind you on those challenging days to appreciate the journey as mama. 😉
You can read it here if you like:
http://denisedare.com/2014/06/04/what-ill-miss-most-about-mothering-little-babes/
Sending you so much love + appreciation for being the kind of mama your babe deserves.
xo,
Denise
Henry David Thoreau had this to say about the kind of day Tara writes about, that is spent in the richness of just being:
“There were times when I could not afford to sacrifice the bloom of the present moment to any work, whether of the head or hands. Sometimes, in a summer morning, having taken my accustomed bath, I sat in my sunny doorway from sunrise till noon, rapt in a revery, amidst the pines and hickories and sumachs, in undisturbed solitude and stillness, while the birds sang around or flitted noiseless through the house, until by the sun falling in at my west window, or the noise of some traveller’s wagon on the distant highway, I was reminded of the lapse of time. I grew in those seasons like corn in the night, and they were far better than any work of the hands would have been. They were not time subtracted from my life, but so much over and above my usual allowance.”
It’s my favorite passage from Mr. Thoreau. I keep it taped on my refrigerator, and read it every day. Tara’s words reminded me of it right away.
Your joy is transparent. Blessings to you, Tara.
I’m so glad you’re enjoying motherhood and sharing it with us all! My best writing flowed from my days of focusing on family; the words just spilled over because children keep you plugged in to love, to learning and to life itself. Moments stand still, expand as you breathe and become haiku.
I lost my writing direction when my oldest ‘banned’ me from referring to her life in my online writing at the same time as she was going through teenage traumas and turbulence, a time when I really needed to be able to write to process it.
Like your reader above, I have a couple of quotes that remind me that my life as a homemaker, a blogger, a friend is ‘enough’.
hi, one day at a time…when we enter in to family life, things change…moments are unpredictable no matter how thoughtfully planned or predictably carried out. Family life can feel like a roller coaster ride. We have to bend and twist when the curves come along and as fast as they come. The key is to be flexible and full of grace because after all life’s journey is about grace and graditude. We become changed…most important with all of our creativity we strive to allow this new spirit to get as much knowledge about life on this planet..to develop into a magnificent human being. So count it all joy as much as you can…in those moments
Had to laugh at your description of your day–letting go was a lesson I learned with my children, too. Here’s the interesting thing, I’m now learning it all over again as I fit grandchildren into my busy writing life. Ah, life.
I can so relate to the craziness of baby oriented days. With my son almost 4 now, I still experience daily surrender of some kind whether my day plan is totally relaxed or fervently planned. The commitment to continually respect my child’s rythmn and needs while also attending to my own or several other people’s, has been exhausting to say the least. And a practice in mindfulness to say the least. Love hearing honest, vulnerable sharing from other moms, thank-you.